Automate your memory

[asafg]

TL;DR:

 For $5/mo we will send out every card you would like to be sent out through the year, on the dates you specify them to be sent out.

First, a little Backstory:

 I was always the guy forgetting birthdays and special events. I’d either send a card or birthday wish too late, or not at all, and this made me feel like shit. If you’re like me, you know the anxiety and stress that this causes. You have to devise some inconceivable  excuse as to why you missed it or send some ridiculous gift to make up for it, if not both. So to combat the crippling fear of walking into the party only to find out that it’s for someone’s birthday, and to save myself from the philanthropic windfall of a donation I felt the need to give, I started outsmarting myself. For the past few years, in the first week of each new year, I’ve been going to the store, picking out cards for over 30 people, writing out my little birthday note, adding a check/cash/scratch-off(s) as a gift, then waiting until the day had come to ship those cards off. Damn, I’m a f****** genius... Or so I thought. Couple weeks later I’m cleaning the office, “oh shit, I forgot to send out his birthday card.” Couple more weeks, “also forgot to send hers.” Another few weeks, “holy shit, my birthday was last week?”. Now I thoroughly understand some people have better systems in place for this than I, but for my busy lifestyle, and sheer abundance of people and dates I have to remember, I have a better chance at acing a 5th grade history test. So I brainstormed with some better people than I, and we came up with a great system for mailing these cards out on time. After a few years, I started doing this for family members and friends. I mean, between his kids, grandkids, great grandkids, and all their significant others, my 95 year old grandpa has over 100 people to send cards too every year! That’s almost 1/3 of the year that a man with the onsets of dementia has to remember to send the gifts off! Sometimes I forget how to breathe! So, once a year, we sit down and write his cards out, he fills out his checks to everyone, and I take them and mail them out appropriately.

Mission:

 I want to make your life a little bit easier by helping you how I helped my grandfather. I want to help you avoid being “that person” without a gift at the party. I want to save you the embarrassment I’ve felt countless times having to apologize for missing an important day. I want to save you from the awkwardness of sending those horribly bland, impersonal, and clearly obvious, “you didn’t do it” cards. And most of all, I want you to avoid the stress of trying to remember every little date and event.

Who? What? Where? When? But, How?

 Just as I did for my grandfather, I’ll make sure all your cards are sent where they need, when they need, and to who you need. Now, I don’t personally know everyone that everyone knows, and if I do know you, I apologize for being me. Therefore, you have to go out and get the right card, for the right people, put some emotion behind that beautiful lil love note and even put a check in there if you need to buy their love. Get em all together, and send  them all to me. WHAT? To you!? Yes. Everyone needs to feel loved, and I just so happen to need it the most. Don’t worry, like that kid in class you asked to pass your love note to your crush across the room, I won’t read it. In this case, it just so happens to be illegal. But you’re also insured, and as a business, we guarantee your satisfaction. You’ll appropriately fill out each card however the hell you want, address them accordingly, seal em up and throw some stamps on them suckas, throw them all in a box, send them to us, and let us know when you want each card delivered, and BOOM you’re officially the most thoughtful person anyone knows.

Umm... okay? But how much?

 Well since I’m paying for the cards, and the stamps, you’ll cover the “gift,” right? Well sure, if your idea of a gift is the piece of mind we provide you, then we’ll absolutely cover the gift. But if you want to throw a check to little Johnny for his birthday, then no. We’re sure he deserves a pool filled with $100 bills, but that pool is up to you to fill. We only charge what you would spend on a beer during happy hour, $5. And instead spending that every week, it’s only once a month. It’s a better, cheaper, healthier stress reliever than the weekly happy hour at the local watering hole. For $5 a month, we’ll make you look like the most caring individual on earth! Name a better investment.

Ctrl C + Ctrl V

 I know, I know, the whole “automated birthday card” thing has been done already. And sure, if you want to come across as cold hearted junk mail, go ahead. But we can’t stand how impersonal and uninspired those services are, and the lack of ability to send a gift makes them basically meaningless to me. Come on, you know every time you open that card from the grandparents you’re secretly expecting a check. You’re not fooling anyone. What I’m saying is that I definitely don’t care to send my father a card with a stock picture that looks straight out of an algebra textbook with some words typed on it. He’d probably throw it out thinking it was some postcard the new landscaper in town put in his mailbox trying to get some business. It’s basically like you didn’t even send a card in the first place. In fact, you probably shouldn’t have even sent one.

What about the private parts?

 Get your head out of the gutter. Shame on you. Every letter will be sorted and organized, as well as mailed out by hand. We do not require an online mailing list, address book or access to your contacts. We understand your concern with having sensitive information floating around the Internet, as we have the same concerns ourselves. This is exactly why we have you address and postage each card yourself. And If you care to, include a written list of all the names and accompanying dates of all the cards that you have included to be sent out, and absolutely no personal information will be needed to put online.

Thank you

 Well, we never thought we’d make it this far. And we’re talking about reading through all this. We sincerely appreciate you taking the time to read through all this. We’re just a couple people trying to help make everyone’s lives a little bit easier, and everyone feel a little more loved. Please PM us for any questions, comments, concerns, critiques or criticisms, but most hopefully, to help us help you.

Sincerely,
Catch-u-letter

 

[draugdurdil]

@asafg protip:

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formats lines as blockquotes.

four spaces or enclosing 1+ lines in triple backticks (```) formats as code like you've done here.

 

[613jono]

@asafg So you do what any calendar software can do for me? And take away the only value of giving cards? (personal touch) And it's not even a sweaty startup? Great thx for posting