Looking for a ROAST of my content and writing style

[scootydash]

I’ve recently started writing a blog for my business and I wanted to get your feedback.

It’s my first blog post and I spent about 40 hours writing it.

It’s really hard for me to judge my writing style and whether the content is any good. So I’m looking for some BLUNT UNMANICURED feedback from the Reddit Community (if there’s anyone who can be blunt, it’s you guys)

If it sucks – let me know and tell me why.
If it good – tell me how I can improve it and make it better.

Not to sound demanding here but… I’m not looking for kind words; I’m looking for actionable feedback.

I really want my content to be kickass i.e. Interesting, Informative, Useful

My inspirations include Oli Garder from Unbounce, Neil Patel from QuickSprout, Brain Dean from Backlinko, the HubSpot blog just to give you an idea of the style I’m going for.

Here’s the link >>

LET THE ROASTING BEGIN!

 

[crystalturquoise]

@scootydash Before I get to the content I’ll start with a quick design point as it pertains to whether someone actually starts reading the content.

Having the red bar at the top contain the post title removes it from my immediate point of reference upon arrival. As simpleton web folks we’re used to seeing blog content appear on a white background, so anything aside from that at the top of the page can be over looked as being navigation or banner’ish. The red strip doesn’t add any clarity or help with the purpose of the page (to make it as easy as possible to consume your message).

Related to that is the main blog image. This is good for a social share image, but as the intro to the blog post you want to go with an experiential image, not something that relies on me reading the copy within it. And again, I’d recommend that you lead with a text headline within the main white block.

Okay, now to the post itself.

Despite my initial design commentary, let’s remember that we’re here to critique the writing style and content in the post, not the homepage of the website and the value prop of the business.

Imma bullet this shit so it’s easier to reference in any follow up:

1.  Your intro is too long. I’m 328 words (I counted) into the post before you let me know that it’s a 6-step process. Numbers are an important part of comprehension when it comes to guides like this, and knowing that you’re teaching me a process is a really important detail that should be reflected in the title. Before you get to the first step you cover 3 points, what a sales funnel is, what the goal of the funnel is, and how it’s different from lead gen. Krug the shit out of the intro (delete 50% and remove half of what’s left). The only time in a blog post, or public speaking gig that you have 100% of people’s attention is at the start. Don’t waste time dancing around the details. 
2.  Stylistically, be forceful about the first 3 points I just mentioned. Tell me exactly what I need to know in 3 tweet-worthy statements.
3.  Now before we get into step 1, list the 6 steps (with anchor links in case I already know the basics or I’m coming back to re-read something). 
4.  So….. The word “so” has been statistically shown to be the worst word you can use in a TED talk (https://www.ted.com/talks/lies_damned_lies_and_statistics_about_tedtalks), so don’t use it in your writing.  “The goal isn't to get everyone to buy but to figure out who is genuinely interested and able to pay”. The problem with that is that A) the context is lost. You failed to mention sales funnel, and B) it’s not really interesting enough. Ask yourself if you’d tweet it, and more importantly if you’d RE-tweet it. “The goal of an effective sales funnel is to remove EVERY prospect not part of your laser-focused customer archetype.”

 

[adam247]

@crystalturquoise Oh snap! Ask for an Oli style tear down; receive an an Oli style tear down... From Oli.

 

[michocampos1987]

@adam247 Looks like his account was blocked though I hope he sees this.

 

[adam247]

@michocampos1987 Why was he blocked? How can you tell? His comment still shows up for me.

 

[michocampos1987]

@adam247 He sent me a message saying he'd been blocked because he hadn't used reddit for a while. I unblocked his comment but now when I click on his username it gives me a "page not found" error. Not sure how to otherwise reach him.

 

[crystalturquoise]

@michocampos1987 Looks like things are okay now. Thanks for fixing.

 

[crystalturquoise]

@michocampos1987 Hmm looks like my profile is still broken. Can someone assist?

 

[michocampos1987]

@crystalturquoise I added you to the list of approved submitters on the subreddit. However, I'm not sure why your profile isn't showing up - it's a reddit-wide thing so I imagine you'd have to contact support.

 

[johann88]

@crystalturquoise Looks like youve been shadowbanned, you need to contact reddit admins to get them to unblock you. /r/shadowbanned has lots if good advice on getting unbanned.

 

[scootydash]

@crystalturquoise Oli. Thank you my man. Very generous of your time!

The content you write on Unbounce is EPIC. Seriously love what you're doing and the fact that you're Canadian!

I hope to one-day have my shit as tight as yours. ;P

Kinda want to do a follow up case study of your comments as my next blog post.... What do you think?

 

[crystalturquoise]

@scootydash You're very welcome!
And yeah a follow up sounds great.

 

[pastorvjoshua]

@scootydash Happy Box? What the fuck does that even mean? Do you make children's toys? Because that's the first impression I got.

Even after reading your landing page, the name Fun Box just doesn't sit right with me. You're conversion specialists. You make cold, data-driven decisions to maximize revenue. The name of the company seems completely at odds with your messaging and focus.

The progression of your copy is bizarre.

The main headline and sub-headline did a decent job of grabbing my attention. But what are marketing systems? What kind of systems? Are we talking the 4 (or 3) P's of marketing? Are we talking digital marketing?

It is especially annoying that I have to scroll halfway down the page to conclusively learn that you are indeed a digital marketing company. This is kind of an important detail, don't you think?

HAPPINESS IS IN THE FUNNEL

The headline is vague and meaningless. Happiness is in the funnel? What funnel?! If I haven't read your blog, and have not heard of this term before, I have NO fucking clue what you're talking about. You don't even bother explaining!

And why HAPPINESS?! I want to increase my goddamn revenue, not sell my worldly belongings and move to a hippy commune.

The subheadline is equally problematic, but for different reasons. "all-in-one solution," "integrated," "money-making," are fluffy marketeering terms that make me roll my eyes. They'll make potential clients roll their eyes too. What PURPOSE does this copy serve? This is valuable space, and you're filling it with meaningless drivel.

Okay, so let's assume that your main headline got my attention. Now, you should be building my interest by succinctly summarizing the benefits. Instead I'm greeted with a vague and meaningless description of some 4-step process. At this point of your landing page, I don't even know what your company does. So why the fuck am I reading your process?

The body of this section is also quite bad. The styles of your steps do not agree. Your first step is a noun (business analysis), and your 2nd, 3rd, and 4th steps are verbs (generate, capture, nurture). Your step descriptions are vague and fluffy. Why are you even describing your process if you don't have anything meaningful to say about it?

WANT TO HERE WHAT WE CAN DO FOR YOUR BUSINESS?

OH GOD! A spelling mistake RIGHT before a CTA? You're really not building my confidence here.

Let's Talk

Okay, so since you're conversion specialists, I'm going to assume you A/B tested your CTAs. However, I honestly don't see how you could have chosen "Let's Talk" as the CTA to plaster all over your landing page. Neither of these words inspire action. Neither give me any sense of urgency.

Video

The script here is actually decent. You provide a few very clear benefits:

• Get the most out of your marketing dollar
• Uncover new opportunities
• Confidently invest in campaigns

Why the fuck do I have to scroll to near the end of the page to hear these benefits? You could literally start your landing page with the text and video from this section without losing any meaningful copy. Chances are, you'll also increase your conversion.

The rest

Going through the rest will take me hours. I just don't have the time. Instead, I'll leave you with some general notes:

• Get rid of the fluff. 90% of your text can be outright removed without negatively impacting your pitch.
• Focus on benefits. You have some great ones in the video, but they're nowhere to be found in the copy of your landing page.
• Be specific. Every marketing agency on the face of the earth claims to increase revenue. Give me numbers. Give me statistics.
• Triple check for grammar. Mistakes in copy can destroy your credibility in the eyes of potential clients. It just looks lazy and unprofessional.

Gotta have a meeting with a client now. I'll share my thoughts on the blog a little later.

 

[scootydash]

@pastorvjoshua Wicked feedback. Thank you. Sometimes all you need is someone to call you out. Already put some of your suggestions in place. Thanks again.

 

[johann88]

@scootydash

1. Switch the colours of your header around; White on orange is nowhere near as eye catching as orange on white [sup]plus it's offensive to the eye.[/sup] Also the green font you use should be bolder. When scrolling down your page they headings don't stand out very much.
2. There's nothing that really grabs your attention. Regarding that post in particular, the first few lines do nothing to make me want to keep reading.
3. Your blog post is so long. SO LONG. At this point I don't want to keep reading, I want to find a blog whose text isn't a chore to read. Make a list of each steps in your blog post and remove all the waffling, I shouldn't have to scroll so far down to come to the first step. If you really want an introduction then all you need is a sentence or two to introduce your post. That's all.
4. Your images are tiny
5. don't label one of your steps more important than the rest (why am i reading the others then)
   
   5.5 and don't make it Step#.5. If it's the most important part then make it a separate step

 

[leo123]

@scootydash well, I would never start anything with "I" and doubt I'd ever use the word in a blog post